Geri(atric) Christmas

When one is young, Christmas tends to be extremely exciting:  the weeks-long anticipation leading up to the holiday, trying to sleep on Christmas Eve, waking up butt early to get a crack at those presents, and then playing with said presents for at least (insert attention span here).  When one is old, Christmas tends to be geriatric:  the not knowing it’s almost Christmas until it’s almost Christmas, the trying to stay awake for more than an hour at a time any given day, the panic of not knowing who you are when you wake up, and the miserable experience of gathering and opening presents because of arthritis pains.  Everywhere.  Oh, how do I know anything about this you ask?  Geri(atric) Christmas.

The first thing that clued me in to the fact that I was slipping into old saggy Christmas was my old sagginess.  The second thing that clued me in was my Christmas list.  Generally I don’t have one, but I thought I’d be a bit more prepared this year.  I thought and thought and wrote and wrote and this is what I came up with:

• Knee braces
• A candle warmer
• A food processor
• A wife

If you can find anything young or spry about that, I’d be glad to hear it.  My first mistake was thinking in terms of things that would be most useful at this current time in my life.  Boring/lame.  Boringlame.  The wife idea is 1.) not for Christmas  2.) hot, but old.  How many examples exist of old dudes who are just after some sweet young thing?  Add one to the list.  My reasoning behind wanting a food processor was that I needed it for making refined foreign cuisine that requires special preparation to be authentic, but it’s really probably because I have trouble with solid foods anymore.  My other mistake was even knowing what a candle warmer is.  

Maybe next year I’ll ask for a fountain of youth.  Or a time machine.  I think they probably have one of those by now.  But it depends.  I considered planning ahead and adding adult diapers to the list.  But it depends.  

Christmas Past

Another Christmas has come and gone.  During the Christmas season, I came across a couple of quotes that I found to be interesting and applicable.  Both are from one Thomas S. Monson:

"As we seek Christ, as we find Him, as we follow Him, we shall have the Christmas spirit, not for one fleeting day each year, but as a companion always."

“It is well to remember that he who gives money gives much; he who gives time gives more; but he who gives of himself gives all."

My favorite thing about Christmas and the time directly preceding is the spirit that is felt throughout.  The passing of Christmas does not compel the passing of this spirit.  If it passes, it is more likely a reflection of our actions or attitudes. As we continue to do what brings that spirit in the first place, we are able to retain its warming presence for as long as we’d like.  What it is that brings that spirit is giving.  As we give of ourselves, we are able to avoid Christmas past and live in a constant state of Christmas present.  Perpetual Christmas: who wouldn’t?

You're Going to Die

So it was recently brought to my attention that we're all going to die.  

The world is ending in about 1 day.  Forgot about that one.  Not much time left.  Several months ago when this was brought to my attention, I made a list of some things I wanted to accomplish before the end.  My hopes, dreams, and druthers:

• Join a Yacht club
• Start an Emu farm
• Wrestle a large dangerous animal (emu?)
• Invent something [preferably useful] that gets famous
• Have a reason to be interviewed
• Wear a speedo in public
• Get a real-life massage in a real-life massage place
• Drive one of those golf carts around campus
• See the aurora borealis
• Go to space
• Be in a volcano
• Grow a beard
• Evolve something cool
• Beat up a bad guy
• Travel cool places
• Lay siege to something
• Something love related, I'm sure

The only one on the list that I've fully accomplished is the one that most people would be least proud to admit. Think about it.

If anyone wants to join me on any of these in the remaining < 24 hours, let me know. Soon. But if not, I'll understand. You're going to die. Enjoy the little time you have left however you best see fit.

An Unexpected Journey

So... The Hobbit.  What more needs to be said?  Nothing.































Just kidding.  I’ll say a little bit more.  But not about The Hobbit.  Enough has been said.  I’ll talk about somethings else:  the subtitle to The Hobbit:  An Unexpected Journey, and its release date.  Both of these carry a roundaboutely connected significance to me.  December 12-14th are the official release dates for The Hobbit in the majority of the world.  If we find the mean of these release dates, that is December 13th (see my math?).  So.  On average, on December 13th, Señor Bilbo Baggins will embark on An Unexpected Journey.  One that will change him and his perspective forever.  One that will take him to strange lands where he will encounter dangerous creatures and magical magic.  My connection to this was An Unexpected Journey I also embarked on on the same date a few years back.  I also went to strange lands where I encountered dangerous creatures and magical magic.  And empanadas.  And arroz con habichuelas.  And cheap sastres.  


That’s right.  X years ago, I embarked on a mission to the Dominican Republic.  In more ways than one, it truly was a journey that led me to an unexpected place.  Its effects were far reaching and its worth immeasurable.  Suffice it to say that I love the time I spent there and it taught me so much.    Pero na’.  E’ pa’lante que vamo’.  

Halloween Garbage

Halloween is a time when things that are normally socially unacceptable suddenly become okay—encouraged even.  Things like begging on people’s doorsteps, leaving rotting fruit all over your property, and cross-dressing.  That being the case, I try and take advantage of it as much as possible.  This Halloween was no different.

And cue segue into another segment of Arts & Crafts!

Halloween is kind of a big deal for me.  But like to the point where I generally have my costume envisioned by July.  I don’t plan for my future more than a few days in advance, but a one-night-only Halloween garb must be designed in excruciating detail months beforehand.  Logic aside, it makes for good times.  Sometimes.  Either way, I take much pride in my costume design.  And also puns.  This year’s costume:  a sand witch.  Join me as I explain how to make the most delicious sand witch you’ve ever seen/possibly tasted (though I don’t recall having any taste-testers as a reference from witch to draw).

Step 1.  Which witch
The first part of the costume design was to distinguish which witch.  Regular witches generally dress in black garb and are loomed upon by Nicolas Cage.  I wanted a sand witch, so I sought sand garb and no Nicolas Cage.  I found it in a used, lovely, creamy beach-mumu of sorts at my local thrift store.  Thrift indeed.  It was short for breathability and beach lazing and was also sand-colored.  As a witch, a witch hat was also needed.  This was also supplied by the thrift store.  It was like a normal witch hat.  For now. Lastly I got some             beach-colored casual beach shoes.  For the illusion of beach.

Step 1a.  Beachin’

To complete the distinguishment, I used spray adhesive to cover both my new new mumu and the normal witch hat in a layer of sand.  There was sand everywhere.  Just like deserts.  Or beaches.  Or one's body after engaging in a desert or beach. I even bought little seashells to add to the beachin’ illusion.

Step 2.  Accoutrements

Now that I think about it, there was no real second step.  That was pretty much it.  I got a broom and a tan to accentuate the sand-like freckles all over my body and I was ready to go.  Sand witch.

Overall, it was an enjoyable costume.  It was pretty easy to make and wasn’t realistic enough to get me into trouble.  The only issue was that I made a fine mess everywhere I went, as it turns out sand doesn’t adhere super well to fabric.  At least not the way I did it.  But luckily I was packing a broom and could clean up my own fine mess right away.  Or if I was too embarrassed—as witches are wont to be—I could fly away into the night, cackling, or sobbing.  Witches.  So prepared.  

App-o-lanterns

As many of you know, I love Halloween.  

As all of you now know, I love Halloween.  I look forward to it every year.  In the sense of linear time, the looking forward is a necessity.  In a dispositional sense, it’s anticipatory.  This anticipation is for all activities associated with Halloween:  The candy eating.  The dressing up, down, and every which way.  Call me crazy, but I even find it enjoyable to scoop the goop out of gourds and chop their chunks.  Who wouldn’t?  The designs that result from this chunk-chopping can be entertaining, to say the least.  The only downside is that the messiness that results can be less than entertaining.  ...most of the time.  If only someone were smart enough to come up with a solution...

Enter smartphone.  So smart.  And I’ve got one.  And a pair of clean hands.  You know why?  Pumpkin carving app.  

Rather than scoop the gloop, I just smudged my finger all over my phone’s face and voila!:  I got some      sweet n clean pumpkins with cool graphics.  These are all of the pumpkins I 'carved' this year. A looksee:  Have one.

 Scraggle face pumpkin

Sappy happy bribe pumpkin

Pikachu pumpkin

Sad clown pumpkin

Robot pumpkin

A wombat, of sorts

A poodle

Holiday well-wisher pumpkin

And my blog

And I did it all from the comfort of various chairs and classrooms without the use of extracorporal tools.  And my hands are free of gloop.  ...Well.  Pumpkin gloop.  Also:  no fire hazard from lighting the candles nor risk of legal repercussions after you seek vengeance against pumpkin smashers.  Nary a fear of contracting a rare disease when disposing of your rotting pumpkin carcass when Halloween has up n left. With these pumpkins, you are your own master.  Rather than take the time every night to go out and light/unlight your pumpkin, you can light up peoples’ phones with holiday cheer and their faces with smiles of delight as you text them the cutest pumpkins imaginable.  And if you mess up, there’s this awesome invention called the ‘undo’ button.  Doesn’t work in real life, but in my handheld virtual world, it is king.  Now all I need is a virtual costume designer app and an app that somehow gets me real candy while I lay all over everything I can find and I’m set for the rest of Halloween ever.  Make it so, science.

Politickles

So as I’m sure you’re aware, there’s this electoral thing going down here in the Amurrca.  As I’ve grown in age, stature, and age, I’ve tried to be a little bit more informed about what is occurring nationally.  As a random citizen, I feel it is my duty to contribute by making informed decisions about who and what to vote for, when and why.  And how.  To be able to do so, research was required.  Some of the things I found were game changers—they changed the game.  As this election looks to be a fairly close one, I thought it might be beneficial to share with everyone (and especially any last-minute fence sitters) the things that have influenced me the most profoundly.  Dig in, America:

Propaganda #1

Propaganda #2

Propaganda #3

Propaganda #4

Propaganda #5

Propaganda #6

And my personal favorite:

Propaganda #7

And now that you've been informed, go vote.