Geri(atric) Christmas

When one is young, Christmas tends to be extremely exciting:  the weeks-long anticipation leading up to the holiday, trying to sleep on Christmas Eve, waking up butt early to get a crack at those presents, and then playing with said presents for at least (insert attention span here).  When one is old, Christmas tends to be geriatric:  the not knowing it’s almost Christmas until it’s almost Christmas, the trying to stay awake for more than an hour at a time any given day, the panic of not knowing who you are when you wake up, and the miserable experience of gathering and opening presents because of arthritis pains.  Everywhere.  Oh, how do I know anything about this you ask?  Geri(atric) Christmas.

The first thing that clued me in to the fact that I was slipping into old saggy Christmas was my old sagginess.  The second thing that clued me in was my Christmas list.  Generally I don’t have one, but I thought I’d be a bit more prepared this year.  I thought and thought and wrote and wrote and this is what I came up with:

• Knee braces
• A candle warmer
• A food processor
• A wife

If you can find anything young or spry about that, I’d be glad to hear it.  My first mistake was thinking in terms of things that would be most useful at this current time in my life.  Boring/lame.  Boringlame.  The wife idea is 1.) not for Christmas  2.) hot, but old.  How many examples exist of old dudes who are just after some sweet young thing?  Add one to the list.  My reasoning behind wanting a food processor was that I needed it for making refined foreign cuisine that requires special preparation to be authentic, but it’s really probably because I have trouble with solid foods anymore.  My other mistake was even knowing what a candle warmer is.  

Maybe next year I’ll ask for a fountain of youth.  Or a time machine.  I think they probably have one of those by now.  But it depends.  I considered planning ahead and adding adult diapers to the list.  But it depends.