Turn Down For This

I’m always up-to-date on pop culture trends. Always. Recently, a song that has made some waves/hit some waves has been the smash hit of Lil John, “Turn Down for What?”

The song is a crazy rappy beaty mix song with effects and lyrics. The chorus of the song features Lil John in his signature gravel throat glarbling, shouting angrily at everyone a question for the ages, “Turn Down for What?”

You know what, that’s not fair. I say shouting angrily, but I don’t necessarily know that. As a man who has been misunderstood for decades, of a race that has been misunderstood for millennia, I can’t stand by and misrepresent. Lil John is probably a really decent guy. A quick internet scour teaches us that his name is actually Jonathan Smith! That’s the name of a hard-working American man! He was born in January! Lots of people are! He went to Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia, which is famous for…! ...something, probably! The man has at least a partial college education and is therefore intelligent and respectful and courteous. Clearly he is a normal guy.

After having learned so much about the man behind the glarbles, I’ve come to suspect that Lil Jon’s seemingly crunk and abrasive “Turn Down for What?” is a genuine inquiry—a social commentary of crunk proportions. So I’ve created a list of things that a normal guy like Lil Jon and his friends could/should/would obviously turn down for, presented the necessity or opportunity.

Things that Lil Jon would probably turn down for:

his neighbors maybe trying to fall asleep

AIDS

kony 2012

little kids who made a lemonade stand

an old lady crossing the street

baby birds chirping in a nearby tree

the sound of children’s laughter

encouraging words from a loved one

reruns of Gilmore Girls

a proposition for means by which to rid ourselves of social injustice

peaceful sit-ins

the new Daughtry album

Lectures on speculative capital

ways to end impoverishment in inner cities

Youth hospitals

Tea time

Fundraisers

Patriotism

Mutual respect and understanding

Hugs not drugs

A game of Yahtzee

the Industrial revolution

Maritime poetry

Love at first sight

PSAs

the silence of the xi

Girl Scout Cookies

hopefully a funeral

A twilight promenade

Sea slugs

Philosophical quandaries
Mr. Holland's Opus

diplomatic discourse

public transportation

a Shake Weight

The secret menu at Jamba Juice

smart financial planning

childhood dreams

a round of Bop-It

The Fault in our Stars

His mother

And this is just to name a few. Lil Jon’s a reasonable guy, albeit a bit crunk. But crunkness doth not beget bunkness. So let’s not jump to conclusions when presented things in even the crunkliest of packages. Lil Jon realizes exactly what’s most important in life because he’s not afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions.

We know what we would turn down for. Do you?