In the Interim: Wanted

I’m a simple man. I have simple pleasures. I have a simple life. You might say I’m a simpleton.

On any given night, you might find me doing… stuff? Sometimes I stare at my computer box. Sometimes I stare at a book. Sometimes I strategically place my fingers on a guitar. By all means, I’m a man of simple pleasures. Not a lot to cause a ruckus. Or so I thought…

So I have some friends (Surprise!). The other day, my friends were going somewhere far away from here and me, and needed an airplane to do so. They asked me to drive them to the airplane center to catch their flight. Nothing weird here. UNTIL

I was driving on the way up to the airport. At one point, I wanted to switch lanes, so I flipped on my blinker. I let it go for a little bit and then started the switch. When I was halfway into the new lane, a car two lanes over also decided that this was indeed a prime piece of driving real estate and started to come on over as well. However, little friend did not use their blinker and did not wait a little bit. They just came on over. Which, —hey! yeah!— being assertive is good! But, well —hey! Wait! No!—maybe not when you’re hurtling across the earth in a giant metal box in a crowd full of other metal boxes full of fragile tiny humans. Having spent countless hours thinking about people and metal boxes and knowing that I would not like to be struck by someone’s metal box while inside a fast metal box helped me realize that I did not want to be in the place that their metal box was attempting to be. So like a ninny, I retreated to my former lane. And then I HONKED HARD. What the royal heck. Anyway. Thanks to my muther for teaching me to be a paranoid freak while driving. The emotional scarring and years stressed off of my life will be worth the years potentially tacked onto my life, even though they’ll be filled with emotional scarring and stress. *stares off into the void*

But! No harm done. I chatted with my friends, we arrived to the airport safely, and I dropped them off. I put in my fancy new awesome CD, turned it up to a brain bursting volume, and started the trek home. Driving driving driving leaving the airport driving when all of a sudden I’m going and wanting to switch lanes and I signal and start to go and ANOTHER driver friend also wants that lane at that exact same time and starts to come on over without signalling or waiting. What the royal heck? I make my way back into my lane, flattered that so many people want to be close to me and enraged that what the heck. Whatever. My brain was bursting from the music anyway, so I sent passive aggressive thoughts their way and passed them aggressively (but safely!).

I went back to my normal, awesome, AWESOME life and things were fine. Friends did their far-away thing and came back to me. And I went to pick them up again. Fun story: I was driving on up to get them and I wanted to switch lanes and I signalled and waited a bit and moved over a lane and after I’d already gotten into the new lane and was enjoying my lovely new view a truck with an enormous trailer that was right next to me puts on their signal in my direction and I’m like ‘oh hi thanks for using your signal but I’m right here’ and they keep it on and I’m like ‘good driving skills but just give me a sec’ and it keeps blinking and they start moving and I’m like ‘ha no wait but’ and they keep coming and I’m like ‘THANKS FOR USING YOUR SIGNAL’ and I turn on my signal and move back into my previous lane. I gave up on the honking because it seemed like a shrill robotic yelp into the gaping maw of the universe. I just rolled my eyes aggressively over and over in case they looked at me at any point after bullying me into the other lane. That’d teach ‘em. I picked up friends and we made it home with no traffic issues (cool).

And! This very morning, I was driving to work! At one point of my drive, I end up on this skinny little road out in the countryside. There are lots of little farm cars and trucks and stuff that also drive along these roads. The one I drive on is effectively a little highway with corresponding speed limits. Because there are also residences, there are plenty of crossroads and places for people to enter the highway thing. As I drove this morning, I drove at highway speeds. As some other dude drove this morning, he also wanted to drive highway speeds. But he was coming from a residential area so he needed to turn onto the highway. Which is not an issue, unless it becomes one. It became one when he decided to turn onto the highway thing right as I was approaching his stop. He approached his stop as well, but passed it without ever stopping and kind of drifted out into the road where I was hurtling in my metal box. Luckily, he drifted out slowly enough that I was able to hurtle on by before he got into my lane. I cruised on into work, pretending like I hadn’t almost just died pretty badly.

Another narrow miss, but hey what the heck? Seriously! I don’t feel like I have things like this happen super often. But then all of a sudden, things like this happened super often. A string of them, if you will, all in a row. It almost…

...doesn’t…seem like a coincidence...

I’ve never wanted any trouble. I wouldn’t even think that I do anything that’s worth any trouble. But apparently there are those that think differently.

The only way I can make sense of this is that someone’s out to get me. Someone is setting up all of these encounters to make it seem like an accident when they off me. But why? What could be the reason? What is so threatening about my continued existence that someone feels the need to snuff it out?

Well. I’ve… uh. I’m… uh… Recently, I… ...hm.

I don’t know if I’ve done anything consequential of late. At least not to the point of getting me killed. But! That’s only as far as my understanding goes. Let me recap some of the things I’ve done recently and get to the bottom of this.

Staring at my computer box - Maybe I stumbled across some important classified information that wasn’t meant to be read by me and now the only solution is to make me sleep with some fishes.
Work - I don’t know. Maybe I’m not good at my job and I’m close with my direct supervisor so maybe it’s easier for him to kill me than fire me (hi Logan lol <3).
DI - I thrift shop a lot (waaaay too much). Maybe one of the things I unnecessarily purchased is worth a megafortune and it’s easier to kill me and then steal it than to break into my impenetrable fortress of a room.
Jealous heir - I am a direct descendant of Robert the Bruce, once king of Scotland, so maybe someone found out and wants to off all the rightful heirs so they can take over Scottish rule?
Maybe I do something cool in the future and someone in the future didn’t want me to so they sent some people back in time to stop me before my prime.