GooO0OooOOO0ooOOOLgolgolgolgolgolgolgols

At the beginning of each year, people resolve themselves.  What to varies from person to person, as does what for.  I, 4 1, have never been very adept at the whole process.  Making resolutions requires resolution, and I am resolutely bad at resolving.  

That being said, I do love the idea of New Year’s Resolutions.  Few endeavors are more beneficial to us than those that will help us to master ourselves.  Believing as I do, how, then, might I, bridge the gap between irresolvitude and self-mastery?  I believe that with the proper amount and type of motivation, most people can be motivated to do most things.  My motivation?  People yelling at me.

But not just any people—not for the cause at hand, anyway.  A puny energetic man with a high-pitched voice.  That’s right.  ...Well depending on what you guessed.  It could’ve been wrong.  Like if you thought Oompa-Loompa, in which case, get off my blog.  No, sir/madam, I’m talking the respiratorily-gifted individuals who call soccer games en español [CC] (HD).  If you’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing their excitement at a circle crossing a line, culture yourself:

Vim & vigor, in droves & spades. Imagine if you had someone cheering for you like that.  That’s why I’m starting a New Year’s Revolution:  I’m going to hire one-ish of these dudes to help me fulfill my New Year’s Resolutions.  First, I’ll inform him as to what said resolutions are.  Negative first, I’ll come up with some.  Second, I’ll tell him to watch my every move.  Every.  One of them.  Third, he’ll comment on my moves.  Movular commentary. It’ll be kind of nice with regular stuff, acting as background noise—like traffic or refrigerators or a babbling brook.  But it’ll be a babbling man.  The exciting will begin when I start approaching one of my goals.  His speech will get faster, my pulse will get faster.  His volume will increase, my adrenaline will increase.  And on and on aND On UNTIL I COMPLETE MY GOL AND GOOOOOOOOOLGOLGOLGOLGOLGOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOLGOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOLOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL GOOOL GOL GOL GOL GOL (gigantic breath) KAMERONHAHECHOLOIMPOSIBLEENCOMPLETARUNGOoooOOooOOL! ¡¡¡¡QUE ILU-SIÓN!!!!

Que ilusión indeed, little man.  Ilución of grandeur.  Because I just completed a golazo.  I couldn’t have done it without you.  Well.  I probably could have.  I just wouldn’t have done it without you.  You’re the meaning in my life; you’re the inspiration.  Cue emotional celebration scene.

 

 
Never before have I been so excited about positive change.  At this rate, I’m going to complete all of my goals posthaste and need a completely fresh new year so I can make fresh new goals.  Good thing the Chinese live in a completely different dimension than we do.  I believe their new year is coming up right quick here.  I’ll just borrow theirs and have it back to them by the end of the year.  The Gregorian year.  The everyone except for China year.  And I should be able to do all of this without getting caught in some weird time continuum or aging excessively quickly.  In fact I’ll make it a goal of mine.  … Man.  Time flies when you’re followed around by a little screaming man.

Optimism Pt. 2

Lately, here, it has been cold.  Like really cold.  Add to that the second worst air quality in the nation and freezing rain and Provo hasn’t been a delightful place to be.  Unless you're into those sorts of things, in which case I’ll trade you lives.
  
But after hearing about them literally constantly for the entirety of this new year, and after much study and consideration, I have concluded that complaining is not the best course of action.  This has been hard, though.  Especially after today when my right sock got wet.  I was le misérable.  So I started thinking of ways that I might make peace with mine enemy, and I came up with one:  I decided to find people/weather more (les[s]) misérables than myself/my own.  Turns out:  not hard to do → 

Unaware that umbrellas are for water from above

A Venitian gondola ride, almost

Unlike those boats, these people are not boats

Water indicators

Not a joy ride.

The ocean, as a weather condition

Frozen humidity

Enormous hail/baseball plug

Being stuck in ice is not a warm idea

Willingly living in ice is not a warm idea

Hurricanes are not nice weather

Lightning all over your city is not nice weather

Acid rain exfoliates, but not like you’d expect

Even houses run away from giant tornadoes

Rainbow tornadoes may look friendly, but nope

Lightning tornadoes in rush hour traffic

Fire tornadoes that blow up buildings

Even with all of those suns, space is not warm, and throws meteors at you

Raining lava is probably not ideal

Mobile electric volcanic ash

Electronic magma

I would imagine the Apocalypse will have some pretty crummy weather, whether it come in the form of subterranean explosions, nuclear explosions and radiation poisoning, fire and brimstone rain, or raining planets.

Hell, where the forecast appears ominous

I also found this:

Lemonade

Oh, internet.  You know just how to make a man feel special.  This little experiment has made me feel better about things.  Were my sock dry, I'd probably feel really good right now.  Next time someone asks me how I feel about the weather, I'll say, "Well, no electronic magma," or, "It's not raining planets," or, "I still have all of my skin."  And then I'll remember that the weather is great, comparatively.  Keep cool, everybody.  Shouldn’t be too hard in this weather.

Wrap Artist

Christmas is a time when we are wont to think of others.  By its very nature, the tradition of gift giving takes our minds off of ourselves and directs them outwardly.  What might (other entity) need?  What might benefit (other entity)?  What might be most useful to (other entity) at this stage of (its) (hypothetical) life? Relationships can be built and strengthened when one gives in to giving.

But I wonder if there might be a bit of disparity in the wide world of gifts. Does the simple act of giving a gift make what was given a good or thoughtful gift?  Does there exist such a thing as a bad gift when pure intentions are involved? If so, are there certain characteristics of the gift that might change its identity or quality as a gift?  Who knew gift giving could wax so philosophical? I’ll gift you an example and present you with the opportunity to decide for yourself.

I’m frighteningly bad at wrapping presents.  Like to the point where sometimes the recipients are afraid to establish physical proximity with the gifts they have received.  Are they still considered thoughtful even though they induce fright?  Would you consider something that brought you anxiety a thoughtful thing, even if that weren’t the intent with which it was given?  If sufficient thought preceded the giving of the gift, would not said thought anticipate said anxiety? Do these look thoughtful to you, hmm?

World's most hideous collage. Would you graciously receive something that looked so vile? All of these are fairly normally-shaped items. Well they were before they were wrapped, at least. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. Generally I hold my own when it comes to crafty things, whatever that means.  Maybe it’s too complicated, even though I’ve had it simply explained to me a million times.  Maybe it’s apathy, though I don’t care enough to find out.  It's probably apathy. The wrapping always gets destroyed quickly and mercilessly for its insolence in presenting impediment from the enclosed giftage.  The wrapping in and of itself is only ever really appreciated as it adds to the beautiful scene of presents tidily prepared and organized under the tree as Christmas approaches.  But my presents never really make it under the tree far enough in advance to be appreciated in such a scene, therefore negating the need for them to be aesthetically appreciateable in nature.  Therefore again, despite the horrifying appearance of my gifts-from-the-heart, it shouldn’t matter that I don’t know how to perform the simple of task of coating an item in an extremely ductile and pliant substance. Just open the danged thing and let's establish a danged relationship.

Hopefully I’ve helped to convince you not to judge a book by its cover, to judge not that ye be not judged, to accept the beauty within, etc.  Otherwise I’ve just exposed a huge personal flaw to the whole internet and will spend the rest of my Christmases alone.  

Geri(atric) Christmas

When one is young, Christmas tends to be extremely exciting:  the weeks-long anticipation leading up to the holiday, trying to sleep on Christmas Eve, waking up butt early to get a crack at those presents, and then playing with said presents for at least (insert attention span here).  When one is old, Christmas tends to be geriatric:  the not knowing it’s almost Christmas until it’s almost Christmas, the trying to stay awake for more than an hour at a time any given day, the panic of not knowing who you are when you wake up, and the miserable experience of gathering and opening presents because of arthritis pains.  Everywhere.  Oh, how do I know anything about this you ask?  Geri(atric) Christmas.

The first thing that clued me in to the fact that I was slipping into old saggy Christmas was my old sagginess.  The second thing that clued me in was my Christmas list.  Generally I don’t have one, but I thought I’d be a bit more prepared this year.  I thought and thought and wrote and wrote and this is what I came up with:

• Knee braces
• A candle warmer
• A food processor
• A wife

If you can find anything young or spry about that, I’d be glad to hear it.  My first mistake was thinking in terms of things that would be most useful at this current time in my life.  Boring/lame.  Boringlame.  The wife idea is 1.) not for Christmas  2.) hot, but old.  How many examples exist of old dudes who are just after some sweet young thing?  Add one to the list.  My reasoning behind wanting a food processor was that I needed it for making refined foreign cuisine that requires special preparation to be authentic, but it’s really probably because I have trouble with solid foods anymore.  My other mistake was even knowing what a candle warmer is.  

Maybe next year I’ll ask for a fountain of youth.  Or a time machine.  I think they probably have one of those by now.  But it depends.  I considered planning ahead and adding adult diapers to the list.  But it depends.  

Christmas Past

Another Christmas has come and gone.  During the Christmas season, I came across a couple of quotes that I found to be interesting and applicable.  Both are from one Thomas S. Monson:

"As we seek Christ, as we find Him, as we follow Him, we shall have the Christmas spirit, not for one fleeting day each year, but as a companion always."

“It is well to remember that he who gives money gives much; he who gives time gives more; but he who gives of himself gives all."

My favorite thing about Christmas and the time directly preceding is the spirit that is felt throughout.  The passing of Christmas does not compel the passing of this spirit.  If it passes, it is more likely a reflection of our actions or attitudes. As we continue to do what brings that spirit in the first place, we are able to retain its warming presence for as long as we’d like.  What it is that brings that spirit is giving.  As we give of ourselves, we are able to avoid Christmas past and live in a constant state of Christmas present.  Perpetual Christmas: who wouldn’t?

You're Going to Die

So it was recently brought to my attention that we're all going to die.  

The world is ending in about 1 day.  Forgot about that one.  Not much time left.  Several months ago when this was brought to my attention, I made a list of some things I wanted to accomplish before the end.  My hopes, dreams, and druthers:

• Join a Yacht club
• Start an Emu farm
• Wrestle a large dangerous animal (emu?)
• Invent something [preferably useful] that gets famous
• Have a reason to be interviewed
• Wear a speedo in public
• Get a real-life massage in a real-life massage place
• Drive one of those golf carts around campus
• See the aurora borealis
• Go to space
• Be in a volcano
• Grow a beard
• Evolve something cool
• Beat up a bad guy
• Travel cool places
• Lay siege to something
• Something love related, I'm sure

The only one on the list that I've fully accomplished is the one that most people would be least proud to admit. Think about it.

If anyone wants to join me on any of these in the remaining < 24 hours, let me know. Soon. But if not, I'll understand. You're going to die. Enjoy the little time you have left however you best see fit.

An Unexpected Journey

So... The Hobbit.  What more needs to be said?  Nothing.































Just kidding.  I’ll say a little bit more.  But not about The Hobbit.  Enough has been said.  I’ll talk about somethings else:  the subtitle to The Hobbit:  An Unexpected Journey, and its release date.  Both of these carry a roundaboutely connected significance to me.  December 12-14th are the official release dates for The Hobbit in the majority of the world.  If we find the mean of these release dates, that is December 13th (see my math?).  So.  On average, on December 13th, Señor Bilbo Baggins will embark on An Unexpected Journey.  One that will change him and his perspective forever.  One that will take him to strange lands where he will encounter dangerous creatures and magical magic.  My connection to this was An Unexpected Journey I also embarked on on the same date a few years back.  I also went to strange lands where I encountered dangerous creatures and magical magic.  And empanadas.  And arroz con habichuelas.  And cheap sastres.  


That’s right.  X years ago, I embarked on a mission to the Dominican Republic.  In more ways than one, it truly was a journey that led me to an unexpected place.  Its effects were far reaching and its worth immeasurable.  Suffice it to say that I love the time I spent there and it taught me so much.    Pero na’.  E’ pa’lante que vamo’.