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At the beginning of each year, people resolve themselves.  What to varies from person to person, as does what for.  I, 4 1, have never been very adept at the whole process.  Making resolutions requires resolution, and I am resolutely bad at resolving.  

That being said, I do love the idea of New Year’s Resolutions.  Few endeavors are more beneficial to us than those that will help us to master ourselves.  Believing as I do, how, then, might I, bridge the gap between irresolvitude and self-mastery?  I believe that with the proper amount and type of motivation, most people can be motivated to do most things.  My motivation?  People yelling at me.

But not just any people—not for the cause at hand, anyway.  A puny energetic man with a high-pitched voice.  That’s right.  ...Well depending on what you guessed.  It could’ve been wrong.  Like if you thought Oompa-Loompa, in which case, get off my blog.  No, sir/madam, I’m talking the respiratorily-gifted individuals who call soccer games en español [CC] (HD).  If you’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing their excitement at a circle crossing a line, culture yourself:

Vim & vigor, in droves & spades. Imagine if you had someone cheering for you like that.  That’s why I’m starting a New Year’s Revolution:  I’m going to hire one-ish of these dudes to help me fulfill my New Year’s Resolutions.  First, I’ll inform him as to what said resolutions are.  Negative first, I’ll come up with some.  Second, I’ll tell him to watch my every move.  Every.  One of them.  Third, he’ll comment on my moves.  Movular commentary. It’ll be kind of nice with regular stuff, acting as background noise—like traffic or refrigerators or a babbling brook.  But it’ll be a babbling man.  The exciting will begin when I start approaching one of my goals.  His speech will get faster, my pulse will get faster.  His volume will increase, my adrenaline will increase.  And on and on aND On UNTIL I COMPLETE MY GOL AND GOOOOOOOOOLGOLGOLGOLGOLGOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOL GOLGOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOLOLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL GOOOL GOL GOL GOL GOL (gigantic breath) KAMERONHAHECHOLOIMPOSIBLEENCOMPLETARUNGOoooOOooOOL! ¡¡¡¡QUE ILU-SIÓN!!!!

Que ilusión indeed, little man.  Ilución of grandeur.  Because I just completed a golazo.  I couldn’t have done it without you.  Well.  I probably could have.  I just wouldn’t have done it without you.  You’re the meaning in my life; you’re the inspiration.  Cue emotional celebration scene.

 

 
Never before have I been so excited about positive change.  At this rate, I’m going to complete all of my goals posthaste and need a completely fresh new year so I can make fresh new goals.  Good thing the Chinese live in a completely different dimension than we do.  I believe their new year is coming up right quick here.  I’ll just borrow theirs and have it back to them by the end of the year.  The Gregorian year.  The everyone except for China year.  And I should be able to do all of this without getting caught in some weird time continuum or aging excessively quickly.  In fact I’ll make it a goal of mine.  … Man.  Time flies when you’re followed around by a little screaming man.