Still the Walrus

I stumbled across this little gem today:

This cries out to me with the voice of a thousand angel babies. In my last post, I expressed my affinity for maimed animal parts hanging prominently in my home. This is a chance to right a terrible wrong—a shot at redemption. However: I am savvy to the earth's position in relation to the sun, and how our path as we hurdle endlessly through space around a feebly burning ball of compact elements has been arbitrarily organized into a series of evenly divided sectors to make sense of the abstract and limited concept of time. Therefore, I know that our current position has been designated an appropriate one in which to affront one another with falsehoods and pranks in an attempt to mock and ridicule... Harumph. As if it were even real. As if I would even want that patrician beast's fuzzy noggin ennobling my harrowed heart. I won't be had again. I won't.


I can't.

I...

.

...want

...

I'll be right back.

I Am the Walrus

I’m not actually a walrus, nor do I think the person that wrote that song was.

Throughout time, there have been great ideas. One of those is craigslist, and related classified sites. Through them, I have made some highly worthwhile transactions and obtained some great products at a collectively reasonable price. Of late, I have been scouring a local site with a classified section called KSL. See, I moved a few months ago. The apartment to which I moved was unfurnished. This was nice because I felt like a big boy, but ‘twas less than ideal because furniture can be expensive and difficult to obtain. This is where KSL comes in; KSL has a free section, where people post things for free. Like without cost. Through this, I’ve been able to track down decent furniture for said place. With enough diligence, someone can furnish an entire apartment literally for free. This is great for financially strapped young dudes, of which my roommates and I are several. And this is what I did. I was able to furnish my entire bedroom (mattress, box spring, dresser, desk, bookcase) for approximately $15. I feel good about this.

In this search for furniture, I sifted through a lot of postings for free things. Not long ago, I came across something that would change my life forever: a taxidermied walrus head.

What?: my first response. NEED: my second and overriding response. Of the strange and bowel-curdling things to find on the internet, this was one of them, and it reigns supreme. Of the things I find on the internet and want but don't need, this is a big one, and it reigns supreme. How did someone obtain this? Where did it come from? Why was it a thing? I had so many questions; I was twitter-pated. But I didn't need answers. All I needed was that walrus head.

I immediately texted the seller. "give me your walrus head," was my desperate plea. After 2 excruciating minutes, they hadn't responded and I couldn't risk being beaten out by another. I called the number; it went straight to voicemail. By this time I was in a panic. I writhed on the floor where I waited, pressed against my couch and circumstance. My crumpled body lie rung by helplessness, subject to the will of another. But there was no return to ignorance—I'd already seen too much. I couldn't just pretend that there was no walrus head and that I'd be happy without it on my wall. I'm just not that strong.

Minutes turned into hours, hours into hemorrhoids. Finally, as if respite from a heavenly messenger, the familiar buzz of a text shook the couch near my tear-drenched cheeks. "come pick it up$20." To this was reduced my humanity.

Encouraged by the contact, which glimmered as a beacon of brightest hope, I pressed on. I questioned the price (having found it in the free section), but decided that if he weren't willing to barter, $20 was worth foregoing a lifetime of regret. "mountain dew bottles work best," was the response.  

… ?

I tried calling a couple more times, hoping to arrange the exchange before this man produced any more words, which only stood as a symbol of the separation between me and my one true desire. After continuing to call and reaching only a blank line, a confused child, and a strange one-sided conversation with a grown man, a disheartening reality began to vie for my attention.

Among the nice things about KSL is that it allows for many people to contact each other that wouldn’t be able to otherwise. Among the downsides of KSL, and internet-based interactions in general, is anonymity: an inability to interact with people face to face makes some of these transactions strange and uncomfortable, to say the least. It also allows for fake ads to be made with real numbers, and the perpetrator can walk away scot free. But the perpetratee is left to walk alone, forever held in tow by what might have been.

O Walrus mistress! O Cruellest of fates! O Heartless and cunning tricksters—Hear my lament! For such is the cry of a lover's scorn, wanting nothing of her own, yet left only therewith...

Eventually I accepted my suspicions as reality. Turns out the whole thing was a hoax. The ad was taken down shortly after my calls, and I was quickly able to find the exact same image that captured my heart merely minutes before on a google image search—an image that I thought represented something uniquely personal, something wholly mine. But an image near the top of a google image search is anything but.

I sat for a while, silent as the emptiness that had come to replace my boyish gumption. It's hard to lose something you hold dear; but sometimes it's harder never to have held it at all.

I sent a text to the number that was the source of my disdain—a disabused yelp into a mockingly indifferent void. In it, I offered congratulations for a prank well pulled. But the text was carried on the wings of heartache, borne on the winds of sorrow. And I hope they felt it.

Sometimes we are defined by the choices we make and the life we choose to live. Sometimes, just as defining is the life that passes us by, despite our ever reaching, ever yearning.

I am not the walrus, and I will never be.

You're Going to Die, Again

There have long been rumblings throughout the history of the world that, some day, the world will be history. In our ever-nagging desire to be able to predict (and thereby establish control over) the world around us, many people have attempted to pinpoint when exactly the world will transition from presently- and pleasantly-inhabited sphere to historical factoid. There was the Y2K scare. There was that prophet guy. There was that Mayan Doomsday. And now we've got Ragnarök. Oh and it's today.

Ragnarök is the ancient Norse doomsday, essentially. According to Norse tradition/mythology, after 3 years of never-ending winter, a mighty horn would blow and signal the beginning of the end. The gods would engage in mighty battle, destroying everything and resulting in a reset of the human race. Only two would survive to repopulate a new and fertile earth: Lif and Lifthrasir.

I haven't personally experienced 3 years of never-ending winter, but I can't speak for the whole world. There was that polar vortex, which may have included a time warp or a worm hole. And I didn't hear a mighty horn blow, but I did get some nice new headphones and maybe I just missed it. Another downside of having to always be connected. So seeing as how my name is neither Lif nor Lifthrasir, it looks like this will be the end for me. I had no idea it was so close; I wish the Norse would've been a little bit better about communicating these things. All it would've taken was a quick editorial or blog entry to a major news site and I wouldn't have to scramble to find fulfillment and meaning in my life before it's prematurely and violently snuffed out.

A few years ago, when I caught word of the Mayan Doomsday, I decided to compile a list of things to do before I died. I wasn't able to accomplish the vast majority of them before that Doomsday hit. Luckily, the day came and went, and the world wasn't completely annihilated. This was good in general, and especially because it allowed more time for me to complete my list!  !!!  Here's an update on how things are going with my list! !

Join a Yacht club

So the yacht club that I originally intended to join seems to have disappeared without a viable trace of their contact information or very existence. I wasn't aware it was a secret yacht club, or I would've probably tried a little harder to get in. Needless to say, I didn't complete this item.

Start an Emu farm

Technically I didn't start my own emu farm. But I do drive by several farms on my way to work, and one of them has an emu on it that I see from time to time. My crippling social anxiety has kept me from networking with that particular farm owner, but I have a lead. We'll mark this one partially completed, citing disability.

Wrestle a large dangerous animal

I'm not much of wrestler, I'm more of a pacifist. I don't remember where this desire came from, but the closest I've come is probably playing with my nieces. They're not large or animals. But Ragnarök says that there will be ferocious beasts involved in the end of the world, so maybe they'll come this way and I'll be able to complete this goal and update my post to all those who are anxiously waiting to know in their last precious moments on this earth. I'll mark this one AS OF YET incomplete.

Invent something [preferably useful] that gets famous

I don't have many resources to work with as an inventor. But I have come up with some neat app gaming ideas in my mind that would probably definitely get famous. The only qualification was invent it, which I did conceptually, and I didn't establish a timetable for famous, so I'll mark this okay pretty complete.

Have a reason to be interviewed

See this one's a little hard to gauge. Some people might be genuinely interested in learning more about traditionally uninspiring aspects of my life, like my sock collection or my sleight in hanging wall art. So I don't want to deflate anyone's enthusiasm, I'll mark this well it depends.

Wear a speedo in public

Check

Get a real-life massage in a real-life massage place

This one could be open for interpretation as well. I went to the mall yesterday and got a massage in/from one of those massage chairs that are just sitting unhygienically out in the middle of the hallway. So technically it was a real-life massage, but the reality-lifeness of the place is less technical. This one's a well yeah if.

Drive one of those golf carts around campus

I can't even think of anything relatively close to this one. Incomplete

See the aurora borealis

I did look at pictures and even a video of it on the internet the other day. So in a way I guess.

Go to space

No. I did listen to a broadcast that was supposed to show the nearby flyby of a potentially dangerous asteroid in our galaxy. But they didn't actually ever find the asteroid (!) and I wasn't actually in space, so in spirit.

Be in a volcano

Not physically. Emotionally, yes.

Grow a beard

Grew and metrosexually maintained. Check

Evolve something cool

I recently thought of something that I could do that might potentially alter the evolutionary course of my offspring for generations to come, but I don't personally know how to go about conscientiously evolving things. So no not really or AS OF YET incomplete, depending on how you look at it.

Beat up a bad guy

I had a dream about it once, not too long ago. So pretty much no, but I did dream about it.

Travel cool places

I went to the Dominican Republic this past summer, which is a quite cool place. Check

Lay siege to something

Mmm I have a new roommate and sometimes he and his fiancée just sit in our room and I feel weird about being in there at the same time as them so I just kind of wait them out in the living room. Not in a cool way

Something love related, I'm sure

Another ambiguous one. I didn't actually experience an unusual amount of love towards another human being, but it's almost baseball season, and I went on some dates and I'm wearing pants with hearts on them, which are all love related, so sure

So if you count partial completions, I'm at about 5/17. And according to Norse calculations, I have about 11 hours left. That's completing a new life-long aspiration every hour until I go out wrestling a ferocious beast. Doable. Hopefully, this will all qualify me for the ranks of Einherjar. Valhalla receive me!!!

Bucket List

I recently completed an item on my bucket list. And by this I mean I recently did something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ve never actually compiled a bucket list. Thinking about all of the things that would make my life better but I've never accomplished depresses and discourages me. And even if that weren't the case, I wouldn’t call a conglomerate of my hopes and aspirations a bucket list. My dreams have nothing to do with buckets, unless those buckets are full of guacamole or cinnamon rolls or gold doubloons. Buckets also remind me of death and vomit, neither of which is included in my aspirations, unless the vomit or death is induced by buckets full of guacamole or cinnamon rolls.

Nevertheless, in light of my recent triumph, I have lightly pondered on a bunch of things that would be supes the best. I've also pondered on a bucket list, which I decided to finally compile. And thus it is written:

An ice Bucket

A water bucket

I can only assume that this is a kool-aid bucket

A mop bucket

A bucket seat

A photobucket

This scoopy excavator attachment is called a bucket, I guess

When a basketball goes through a designated hoop, it is called a bucket. It is a hilarious type of bucket when accompanied by faces like these:

Buckets are a way of brigading people into cohesive forces to work towards the greater good (not physically, I think)

http://www.bucketbrigades.com/

A brain bucket is slang for a helmet

or it's this

A scumbucket is a less than kind individual, a bucket of scum, or this sexy intelligent band of old men

This is a banana bucket

This is a Buckethead

Buckets are cat currency

Here is a bucket full of heart disease

This is a Luke Buckett.  He and his entire family are different types of buckett

This is an attempt to buck it

This is a goat bucket

I hope this was informative. It may be the most comprehensive bucket list on the internet. As it were, most types of bucket remain true to their definition: cylindrical things you put things in. But these cylinders come in all shapes and sizes and can hold all shapes and sizes of stuff. Diversity is something that is celebrated in our society and who knew buckets could be so diverse? In celebration, I've also compiled a list of all of the things that you can put in buckets:

Almost everything

Who knew? So handy dandy.