Sock it to Me

Puppets have a history of being creepy. I don’t know what it was they did to deserve that. Maybe it’s their knack for being creepy. I guess some puppets are fine, but they move all unnaturally so uncanny valley and there’s maybe a weird eccentric person behind ‘bringing them to life’ and they might smell or murder or something.

Whatever it is, puppets aren’t generally a highly sought after thing. Unless!

• you’re going for something creepy
• you’re kind of a creepy homie
• you’re celebrating something creepy

Turns out, recently, we celebrated a holiday that!

• celebrates creepy crap
• encourages creepy peep(ie)s
• makes people… go for? creepy things!

It’s called the ‘Ween. Maybe you’ve heard of it. You may have even Hallowed it. I know I did. And how did I? By becoming a puppet, of course.

Cue more Arts & Crafts!

Perhaps you know a thing or two, and either that thing or one of those things is about my blog or personal history. If this is the case, please learn more things or use your allotted things on more important things to know! In the past, I have made Halloween costumes. In the same past, I have written about them on this blog. In the present, I am doing the same. In the near near (SO NEAR) future, you will read about it, unless you decide to go somewhere else on the internet, or in real life, and don’t take this blog with you. Otherwise, come on a journey with me.

Ideum

The first step in all of this was to come up with an idea worth sharing--you know, something Upworthy could get behind. To do this, I thought and eventually had things enter my brain. One of the things to enter my brain was this:

Another thing was this:

Odd. Amusing. Relatively simple. Let's give it a whirl.

Plans or something

The next step was coming up with a plan for making it. I listed the materials that I would need, and then obtained said materials. What I ended up needing:

• sock-looking fabric
• really big buttons
• something hairy
• I think that's it

Not a lot of things! I went to Hobby Lobby (which isn’t even just a lobby lol) and looked at a million things. Then I bought like 4 of them.

Creationism

Now that I had all of the things for making, it was time to make. First I took the fabric, folded it in half, and sewed 3 of the sides to make a giant pocket. I trimmed the corners to get rid of excess fabric and flipped it inside-out. And thus the fabric became like a giant sock.

Attachments

Now to attach things to it. I took some of the stringy goodness I got at HL and basically just used it like giant string. I sewed on the buttons (that I had previously painted) without the benefit a giant needle, which makes sewing much more difficult. Once the buttons were on, it was time to coif. I sewed a string down the middle of the puppet’s head and then tied one side of a bunch more strings around that string. I dangled the untied sides in every conceivable direction. Just like I do with my own hair. I applied the finishing touch by painting a couple of lines on the bottom to complete the illusion of tube sock.

Curvaceous

Once I had crafted everything, I tried it on. Turns out human bodies are not really shaped like human hands. When putting on the sock, it draped over my body in such a way that… it didn’t resemble a sock puppet. It was more like a cactus with no arms, or a delicious creamsicle, or cauliflower.

To replicate the flat top of a sock puppet, I stuffed a pillow inside the sock and balanced it on my head. That gave the sock the necessary shape to create the illusion of puppetry. Then I punched a hole in the mouth area for seeing, and I was set.

And voila!

A giant

creepy

socky

puppet.

This ended up being a very uncomplicated costume, except for the getting everything situated. The inexactness of the pillow placement and having to balance it made it kind of an endeavor to get everything in its right place. But once it was all aligned, it looked as good as I had hoped. One downside to the costume was HEAT. The material I ended up getting for the sock was fleece. I wore a pillow on my head. I give off HEAT. All that heat just stayed inside the sock with me. Stewing in my own funk. Mercy me it got so hot.

On the contrary, a cool thing about the costume was: anonymity! I went to a friend’s Halloween gathering. At said gathering, I maybe knew 3 or 4 people. Everyone else met me as a giant sock puppet. I got to have conversations with several people that had no idea what I looked like. There was something fun and liberating about that. Be anonymous. It’s good for your self esteem.

Turn Down For This

I’m always up-to-date on pop culture trends. Always. Recently, a song that has made some waves/hit some waves has been the smash hit of Lil John, “Turn Down for What?”

The song is a crazy rappy beaty mix song with effects and lyrics. The chorus of the song features Lil John in his signature gravel throat glarbling, shouting angrily at everyone a question for the ages, “Turn Down for What?”

You know what, that’s not fair. I say shouting angrily, but I don’t necessarily know that. As a man who has been misunderstood for decades, of a race that has been misunderstood for millennia, I can’t stand by and misrepresent. Lil John is probably a really decent guy. A quick internet scour teaches us that his name is actually Jonathan Smith! That’s the name of a hard-working American man! He was born in January! Lots of people are! He went to Saint Joseph’s University in Philadelphia, which is famous for…! ...something, probably! The man has at least a partial college education and is therefore intelligent and respectful and courteous. Clearly he is a normal guy.

After having learned so much about the man behind the glarbles, I’ve come to suspect that Lil Jon’s seemingly crunk and abrasive “Turn Down for What?” is a genuine inquiry—a social commentary of crunk proportions. So I’ve created a list of things that a normal guy like Lil Jon and his friends could/should/would obviously turn down for, presented the necessity or opportunity.

Things that Lil Jon would probably turn down for:

his neighbors maybe trying to fall asleep

AIDS

kony 2012

little kids who made a lemonade stand

an old lady crossing the street

baby birds chirping in a nearby tree

the sound of children’s laughter

encouraging words from a loved one

reruns of Gilmore Girls

a proposition for means by which to rid ourselves of social injustice

peaceful sit-ins

the new Daughtry album

Lectures on speculative capital

ways to end impoverishment in inner cities

Youth hospitals

Tea time

Fundraisers

Patriotism

Mutual respect and understanding

Hugs not drugs

A game of Yahtzee

the Industrial revolution

Maritime poetry

Love at first sight

PSAs

the silence of the xi

Girl Scout Cookies

hopefully a funeral

A twilight promenade

Sea slugs

Philosophical quandaries
Mr. Holland's Opus

diplomatic discourse

public transportation

a Shake Weight

The secret menu at Jamba Juice

smart financial planning

childhood dreams

a round of Bop-It

The Fault in our Stars

His mother

And this is just to name a few. Lil Jon’s a reasonable guy, albeit a bit crunk. But crunkness doth not beget bunkness. So let’s not jump to conclusions when presented things in even the crunkliest of packages. Lil Jon realizes exactly what’s most important in life because he’s not afraid to ask the hard-hitting questions.

We know what we would turn down for. Do you?

Still the Walrus

I stumbled across this little gem today:

This cries out to me with the voice of a thousand angel babies. In my last post, I expressed my affinity for maimed animal parts hanging prominently in my home. This is a chance to right a terrible wrong—a shot at redemption. However: I am savvy to the earth's position in relation to the sun, and how our path as we hurdle endlessly through space around a feebly burning ball of compact elements has been arbitrarily organized into a series of evenly divided sectors to make sense of the abstract and limited concept of time. Therefore, I know that our current position has been designated an appropriate one in which to affront one another with falsehoods and pranks in an attempt to mock and ridicule... Harumph. As if it were even real. As if I would even want that patrician beast's fuzzy noggin ennobling my harrowed heart. I won't be had again. I won't.


I can't.

I...

.

...want

...

I'll be right back.

I Am the Walrus

I’m not actually a walrus, nor do I think the person that wrote that song was.

Throughout time, there have been great ideas. One of those is craigslist, and related classified sites. Through them, I have made some highly worthwhile transactions and obtained some great products at a collectively reasonable price. Of late, I have been scouring a local site with a classified section called KSL. See, I moved a few months ago. The apartment to which I moved was unfurnished. This was nice because I felt like a big boy, but ‘twas less than ideal because furniture can be expensive and difficult to obtain. This is where KSL comes in; KSL has a free section, where people post things for free. Like without cost. Through this, I’ve been able to track down decent furniture for said place. With enough diligence, someone can furnish an entire apartment literally for free. This is great for financially strapped young dudes, of which my roommates and I are several. And this is what I did. I was able to furnish my entire bedroom (mattress, box spring, dresser, desk, bookcase) for approximately $15. I feel good about this.

In this search for furniture, I sifted through a lot of postings for free things. Not long ago, I came across something that would change my life forever: a taxidermied walrus head.

What?: my first response. NEED: my second and overriding response. Of the strange and bowel-curdling things to find on the internet, this was one of them, and it reigns supreme. Of the things I find on the internet and want but don't need, this is a big one, and it reigns supreme. How did someone obtain this? Where did it come from? Why was it a thing? I had so many questions; I was twitter-pated. But I didn't need answers. All I needed was that walrus head.

I immediately texted the seller. "give me your walrus head," was my desperate plea. After 2 excruciating minutes, they hadn't responded and I couldn't risk being beaten out by another. I called the number; it went straight to voicemail. By this time I was in a panic. I writhed on the floor where I waited, pressed against my couch and circumstance. My crumpled body lie rung by helplessness, subject to the will of another. But there was no return to ignorance—I'd already seen too much. I couldn't just pretend that there was no walrus head and that I'd be happy without it on my wall. I'm just not that strong.

Minutes turned into hours, hours into hemorrhoids. Finally, as if respite from a heavenly messenger, the familiar buzz of a text shook the couch near my tear-drenched cheeks. "come pick it up$20." To this was reduced my humanity.

Encouraged by the contact, which glimmered as a beacon of brightest hope, I pressed on. I questioned the price (having found it in the free section), but decided that if he weren't willing to barter, $20 was worth foregoing a lifetime of regret. "mountain dew bottles work best," was the response.  

… ?

I tried calling a couple more times, hoping to arrange the exchange before this man produced any more words, which only stood as a symbol of the separation between me and my one true desire. After continuing to call and reaching only a blank line, a confused child, and a strange one-sided conversation with a grown man, a disheartening reality began to vie for my attention.

Among the nice things about KSL is that it allows for many people to contact each other that wouldn’t be able to otherwise. Among the downsides of KSL, and internet-based interactions in general, is anonymity: an inability to interact with people face to face makes some of these transactions strange and uncomfortable, to say the least. It also allows for fake ads to be made with real numbers, and the perpetrator can walk away scot free. But the perpetratee is left to walk alone, forever held in tow by what might have been.

O Walrus mistress! O Cruellest of fates! O Heartless and cunning tricksters—Hear my lament! For such is the cry of a lover's scorn, wanting nothing of her own, yet left only therewith...

Eventually I accepted my suspicions as reality. Turns out the whole thing was a hoax. The ad was taken down shortly after my calls, and I was quickly able to find the exact same image that captured my heart merely minutes before on a google image search—an image that I thought represented something uniquely personal, something wholly mine. But an image near the top of a google image search is anything but.

I sat for a while, silent as the emptiness that had come to replace my boyish gumption. It's hard to lose something you hold dear; but sometimes it's harder never to have held it at all.

I sent a text to the number that was the source of my disdain—a disabused yelp into a mockingly indifferent void. In it, I offered congratulations for a prank well pulled. But the text was carried on the wings of heartache, borne on the winds of sorrow. And I hope they felt it.

Sometimes we are defined by the choices we make and the life we choose to live. Sometimes, just as defining is the life that passes us by, despite our ever reaching, ever yearning.

I am not the walrus, and I will never be.

2/2

Today, as I was writing the date on a piece of paper, I had to notice that it is February 2nd. This is a day that already boasts a lot of important holidays like World Wetlands Day, Inventor's Day in Thailand, and Groundhog Day, which is when a subterranean rodent named Phil emerges from its earthen abode to do absolutely nothing and have that decide the very weather patterns which will soon befall us, and at whose mercy we live our fragile little lives. Despite all this, I realized something about today that I never had before: it is missing a very important tradition.

Written in most month/date formats, today's date would generally be 2/2. If you forget all the associated date stuff and simply pronounce the numbers, it then becomes 2 2, or two two. This sounds phonetically identical to an article of clothing worn by ballerinas called the tutu. Therefore, it stands to reason that there be established a tradition that people start wearing tutus on February 2nd to celebrate two two with a clever play on words/numbers/dates/stuff! Yeah! Look how awesome it could be!!!

Adorable!

I can't stand it!

Splendid!

Okay sure!

Uh... well, maybe.

Wait

uh...

Oh geeze

Okay

...

After some more thought, maybe we already have enough holidays.

Internet Treachery

The internet can be a dark, devastating place. Part of the reason this is possible is because of its rampant anonymity. Sometimes people choose to do abhorrent things when they know their identity will not be attached to their deeds. Today, I tell a tale of internet treachery.

As the story goes, I was on the internet. I was scrolling and looking and reading and chuckling. It was a fairly normal interaction with the internet. I wouldn’t say we’re close, but we do spend a fair amount of time together and have developed a mutual understanding. As I scrolled mid-chuckle down a feed of the internet, I saw a thing. The thing was an article that touched on what was, for me, a topic of great interest. As I slouched there on my couch, I became intrigued.

The only thing that gave me pause was that the title of said article seemed click-baity to me. As I expressed in a blogpost that none of you have read because I never published it and would therefore not serve to present you with the following information, I

/loathe/

click-baiting articles. They make me upset in ways that leave me feeling really upset. Sometimes, I will forego clicking on a link that seems very interesting to me simply because the title is click-baity, and I refuse to give in to such base dross. This probably speaks to deep issues of my own, but, hey, look over there.

This time, however, the subject matter was of such great interest, and the article title was not-blatantly-or-annoyingly-click-baity-enough and I couldn’t refuse.

So! Situation set up, I was scrolling and saw an article entitled Tonight will be the longest night in the history of Earth—Why it’ll be the longest period of darkness in the last 4.5 billion years. Color me intrigued! You might notice the last post on this very blog has to do with Daylight Saving Time, the shortening of days, and increased darkness. I am passionate about my sunshine, and had been excited about the solstice for weeks because it marks the point where the amount of day in a day starts increasing again. That, coupled with my love of all things astronomy, helped me swallow my pride and convinced me to click on this little linky to learn a lil sumthin about some science in preparation for my day in the sun. But when the internet did its thing and the article loaded, this was the title that awaited me:

Correction: Tonight will not be the longest night in the history of Earth.

What? Wait, what? You mean to tell me I clicked on your link because I was interested to read about its subject matter and your article exists merely to tell me the literal opposite of what I was interested in? Hmm. Go on.

What the heck? You drew me in by piquing my interest just to make me come all the way across these bandwidths to tell me that the thing that piqued my interest isn’t actually a thing at all. The very explanation we promised you doesn’t exist, so here’s a sentence telling you something else entirely. Hope that works. Hey if you come over here I'll tell you about this thing! Nope jk nvrmndlol

With all the effort that goes into editing in the correction, why not just change the title or delete the post entirely? Maybe the effect of the original click-baiting has worn off and now articles will just have any old title that might get you to click, and when you get there it will be about literally anything else.

Lose weight in 3 easy steps!

Ways to use meat!

A touching story about puppies!

Your favorite actor on vacation!

Will robots?

Money, etc.!

After all, clicks, etc., and who doesn't love a good surprise?