Optimism Pt. 2

Lately, here, it has been cold.  Like really cold.  Add to that the second worst air quality in the nation and freezing rain and Provo hasn’t been a delightful place to be.  Unless you're into those sorts of things, in which case I’ll trade you lives.
  
But after hearing about them literally constantly for the entirety of this new year, and after much study and consideration, I have concluded that complaining is not the best course of action.  This has been hard, though.  Especially after today when my right sock got wet.  I was le misérable.  So I started thinking of ways that I might make peace with mine enemy, and I came up with one:  I decided to find people/weather more (les[s]) misérables than myself/my own.  Turns out:  not hard to do → 

Unaware that umbrellas are for water from above

A Venitian gondola ride, almost

Unlike those boats, these people are not boats

Water indicators

Not a joy ride.

The ocean, as a weather condition

Frozen humidity

Enormous hail/baseball plug

Being stuck in ice is not a warm idea

Willingly living in ice is not a warm idea

Hurricanes are not nice weather

Lightning all over your city is not nice weather

Acid rain exfoliates, but not like you’d expect

Even houses run away from giant tornadoes

Rainbow tornadoes may look friendly, but nope

Lightning tornadoes in rush hour traffic

Fire tornadoes that blow up buildings

Even with all of those suns, space is not warm, and throws meteors at you

Raining lava is probably not ideal

Mobile electric volcanic ash

Electronic magma

I would imagine the Apocalypse will have some pretty crummy weather, whether it come in the form of subterranean explosions, nuclear explosions and radiation poisoning, fire and brimstone rain, or raining planets.

Hell, where the forecast appears ominous

I also found this:

Lemonade

Oh, internet.  You know just how to make a man feel special.  This little experiment has made me feel better about things.  Were my sock dry, I'd probably feel really good right now.  Next time someone asks me how I feel about the weather, I'll say, "Well, no electronic magma," or, "It's not raining planets," or, "I still have all of my skin."  And then I'll remember that the weather is great, comparatively.  Keep cool, everybody.  Shouldn’t be too hard in this weather.

Wrap Artist

Christmas is a time when we are wont to think of others.  By its very nature, the tradition of gift giving takes our minds off of ourselves and directs them outwardly.  What might (other entity) need?  What might benefit (other entity)?  What might be most useful to (other entity) at this stage of (its) (hypothetical) life? Relationships can be built and strengthened when one gives in to giving.

But I wonder if there might be a bit of disparity in the wide world of gifts. Does the simple act of giving a gift make what was given a good or thoughtful gift?  Does there exist such a thing as a bad gift when pure intentions are involved? If so, are there certain characteristics of the gift that might change its identity or quality as a gift?  Who knew gift giving could wax so philosophical? I’ll gift you an example and present you with the opportunity to decide for yourself.

I’m frighteningly bad at wrapping presents.  Like to the point where sometimes the recipients are afraid to establish physical proximity with the gifts they have received.  Are they still considered thoughtful even though they induce fright?  Would you consider something that brought you anxiety a thoughtful thing, even if that weren’t the intent with which it was given?  If sufficient thought preceded the giving of the gift, would not said thought anticipate said anxiety? Do these look thoughtful to you, hmm?

World's most hideous collage. Would you graciously receive something that looked so vile? All of these are fairly normally-shaped items. Well they were before they were wrapped, at least. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. Generally I hold my own when it comes to crafty things, whatever that means.  Maybe it’s too complicated, even though I’ve had it simply explained to me a million times.  Maybe it’s apathy, though I don’t care enough to find out.  It's probably apathy. The wrapping always gets destroyed quickly and mercilessly for its insolence in presenting impediment from the enclosed giftage.  The wrapping in and of itself is only ever really appreciated as it adds to the beautiful scene of presents tidily prepared and organized under the tree as Christmas approaches.  But my presents never really make it under the tree far enough in advance to be appreciated in such a scene, therefore negating the need for them to be aesthetically appreciateable in nature.  Therefore again, despite the horrifying appearance of my gifts-from-the-heart, it shouldn’t matter that I don’t know how to perform the simple of task of coating an item in an extremely ductile and pliant substance. Just open the danged thing and let's establish a danged relationship.

Hopefully I’ve helped to convince you not to judge a book by its cover, to judge not that ye be not judged, to accept the beauty within, etc.  Otherwise I’ve just exposed a huge personal flaw to the whole internet and will spend the rest of my Christmases alone.  

Geri(atric) Christmas

When one is young, Christmas tends to be extremely exciting:  the weeks-long anticipation leading up to the holiday, trying to sleep on Christmas Eve, waking up butt early to get a crack at those presents, and then playing with said presents for at least (insert attention span here).  When one is old, Christmas tends to be geriatric:  the not knowing it’s almost Christmas until it’s almost Christmas, the trying to stay awake for more than an hour at a time any given day, the panic of not knowing who you are when you wake up, and the miserable experience of gathering and opening presents because of arthritis pains.  Everywhere.  Oh, how do I know anything about this you ask?  Geri(atric) Christmas.

The first thing that clued me in to the fact that I was slipping into old saggy Christmas was my old sagginess.  The second thing that clued me in was my Christmas list.  Generally I don’t have one, but I thought I’d be a bit more prepared this year.  I thought and thought and wrote and wrote and this is what I came up with:

• Knee braces
• A candle warmer
• A food processor
• A wife

If you can find anything young or spry about that, I’d be glad to hear it.  My first mistake was thinking in terms of things that would be most useful at this current time in my life.  Boring/lame.  Boringlame.  The wife idea is 1.) not for Christmas  2.) hot, but old.  How many examples exist of old dudes who are just after some sweet young thing?  Add one to the list.  My reasoning behind wanting a food processor was that I needed it for making refined foreign cuisine that requires special preparation to be authentic, but it’s really probably because I have trouble with solid foods anymore.  My other mistake was even knowing what a candle warmer is.  

Maybe next year I’ll ask for a fountain of youth.  Or a time machine.  I think they probably have one of those by now.  But it depends.  I considered planning ahead and adding adult diapers to the list.  But it depends.  

Christmas Past

Another Christmas has come and gone.  During the Christmas season, I came across a couple of quotes that I found to be interesting and applicable.  Both are from one Thomas S. Monson:

"As we seek Christ, as we find Him, as we follow Him, we shall have the Christmas spirit, not for one fleeting day each year, but as a companion always."

“It is well to remember that he who gives money gives much; he who gives time gives more; but he who gives of himself gives all."

My favorite thing about Christmas and the time directly preceding is the spirit that is felt throughout.  The passing of Christmas does not compel the passing of this spirit.  If it passes, it is more likely a reflection of our actions or attitudes. As we continue to do what brings that spirit in the first place, we are able to retain its warming presence for as long as we’d like.  What it is that brings that spirit is giving.  As we give of ourselves, we are able to avoid Christmas past and live in a constant state of Christmas present.  Perpetual Christmas: who wouldn’t?

You're Going to Die

So it was recently brought to my attention that we're all going to die.  

The world is ending in about 1 day.  Forgot about that one.  Not much time left.  Several months ago when this was brought to my attention, I made a list of some things I wanted to accomplish before the end.  My hopes, dreams, and druthers:

• Join a Yacht club
• Start an Emu farm
• Wrestle a large dangerous animal (emu?)
• Invent something [preferably useful] that gets famous
• Have a reason to be interviewed
• Wear a speedo in public
• Get a real-life massage in a real-life massage place
• Drive one of those golf carts around campus
• See the aurora borealis
• Go to space
• Be in a volcano
• Grow a beard
• Evolve something cool
• Beat up a bad guy
• Travel cool places
• Lay siege to something
• Something love related, I'm sure

The only one on the list that I've fully accomplished is the one that most people would be least proud to admit. Think about it.

If anyone wants to join me on any of these in the remaining < 24 hours, let me know. Soon. But if not, I'll understand. You're going to die. Enjoy the little time you have left however you best see fit.

An Unexpected Journey

So... The Hobbit.  What more needs to be said?  Nothing.































Just kidding.  I’ll say a little bit more.  But not about The Hobbit.  Enough has been said.  I’ll talk about somethings else:  the subtitle to The Hobbit:  An Unexpected Journey, and its release date.  Both of these carry a roundaboutely connected significance to me.  December 12-14th are the official release dates for The Hobbit in the majority of the world.  If we find the mean of these release dates, that is December 13th (see my math?).  So.  On average, on December 13th, Señor Bilbo Baggins will embark on An Unexpected Journey.  One that will change him and his perspective forever.  One that will take him to strange lands where he will encounter dangerous creatures and magical magic.  My connection to this was An Unexpected Journey I also embarked on on the same date a few years back.  I also went to strange lands where I encountered dangerous creatures and magical magic.  And empanadas.  And arroz con habichuelas.  And cheap sastres.  


That’s right.  X years ago, I embarked on a mission to the Dominican Republic.  In more ways than one, it truly was a journey that led me to an unexpected place.  Its effects were far reaching and its worth immeasurable.  Suffice it to say that I love the time I spent there and it taught me so much.    Pero na’.  E’ pa’lante que vamo’.  

Halloween Garbage

Halloween is a time when things that are normally socially unacceptable suddenly become okay—encouraged even.  Things like begging on people’s doorsteps, leaving rotting fruit all over your property, and cross-dressing.  That being the case, I try and take advantage of it as much as possible.  This Halloween was no different.

And cue segue into another segment of Arts & Crafts!

Halloween is kind of a big deal for me.  But like to the point where I generally have my costume envisioned by July.  I don’t plan for my future more than a few days in advance, but a one-night-only Halloween garb must be designed in excruciating detail months beforehand.  Logic aside, it makes for good times.  Sometimes.  Either way, I take much pride in my costume design.  And also puns.  This year’s costume:  a sand witch.  Join me as I explain how to make the most delicious sand witch you’ve ever seen/possibly tasted (though I don’t recall having any taste-testers as a reference from witch to draw).

Step 1.  Which witch
The first part of the costume design was to distinguish which witch.  Regular witches generally dress in black garb and are loomed upon by Nicolas Cage.  I wanted a sand witch, so I sought sand garb and no Nicolas Cage.  I found it in a used, lovely, creamy beach-mumu of sorts at my local thrift store.  Thrift indeed.  It was short for breathability and beach lazing and was also sand-colored.  As a witch, a witch hat was also needed.  This was also supplied by the thrift store.  It was like a normal witch hat.  For now. Lastly I got some             beach-colored casual beach shoes.  For the illusion of beach.

Step 1a.  Beachin’

To complete the distinguishment, I used spray adhesive to cover both my new new mumu and the normal witch hat in a layer of sand.  There was sand everywhere.  Just like deserts.  Or beaches.  Or one's body after engaging in a desert or beach. I even bought little seashells to add to the beachin’ illusion.

Step 2.  Accoutrements

Now that I think about it, there was no real second step.  That was pretty much it.  I got a broom and a tan to accentuate the sand-like freckles all over my body and I was ready to go.  Sand witch.

Overall, it was an enjoyable costume.  It was pretty easy to make and wasn’t realistic enough to get me into trouble.  The only issue was that I made a fine mess everywhere I went, as it turns out sand doesn’t adhere super well to fabric.  At least not the way I did it.  But luckily I was packing a broom and could clean up my own fine mess right away.  Or if I was too embarrassed—as witches are wont to be—I could fly away into the night, cackling, or sobbing.  Witches.  So prepared.