SHOO, FLY

Summer is usually a nice time. Aside from sweltering heat that swelters, the sun is nice, and the weather is nice, and the long days are nice. One thing that’s not nice about summer is insects, which are technically a plethora of things. One insect that is particularly not nice is the fly.

Despite their hipster appeal and glowing mystique, flies are common, and inconsiderate, and make a habit of touching gross things. This understanding has caused me a bit of concern over the last day or two. Somehow, a couple of flies have made their way into my abode. As far as I’m aware, there are two of them. One is in my bedroom. The other is in my living room. These are the places that I spend all of my time when home. So! When I’m relaxing in my chair in my room, there is a fly to annoy me. When I’m relaxing on my couch in the living room, there is a fly to annoy me. And annoy me they do! They buzz around me almost constantly. They’ll buzz onto my leg, so I swat at them. This will cause an evasive buzz before they turn and plop back exactly where they were before. Maybe they didn’t get the hint. I swat again and they courteously buzz around for a moment on their way up to my face, which is obviously preferable. I swat and then they go for the ear, which completes my annoyance by providing a grating soundtrack to the whole pantomime. You know the routine.

Seeing as how this has become a regular occurrence, I have been thinking about it a lot. And this is where the concern comes in. Here is internet knowledge—partake:

House Flies

• House flies, also known as "filth flies," have the ability to harm humans and animals. They're attracted to garbage, manure and carrion. Once they land on these substances, they transport bits of them to people when they land on food and surfaces where food is prepared. House flies not only regurgitate their stomach contents onto food before ingesting it again, they also defecate on food. House flies are not picky about the foods or filth that they consume.

House flies are horribly annoying and endlessly disgusting. This paragraph consists of 4 sentences. In them, we are brought to understand 7 horrendous facts about flies. This is an unpromising ratio for one’s reputation. However, the second sentence is the one upon which I am currently fixated. If flies are attracted to garbage, manure, and carrion, why are they so infatuated with me all of a sudden? My apartment is not always a cleanly place. In fact, until the other day, it was quite uncleanly. Why, if there’s a sizable pile of trash 15 feet away, do these flies find the need to instead come and poop and barf on and then get a taste of me? I mean I’d understand and maybe be a little flattered if these flies had the reputation of being attracted to charm or wit or nuance. But when you type ‘what are flies attracted to’ into your web browser, those are not the responses. They’re trash, poop, and rotting corpses.  I take pride in being able to fully bathe myself. Does that mean nothing to them? Do I smell bad? Do I not clean myself well enough? Am I rotting? I’m pretty sure I’m not a corpse yet. Furthermore, not only are they attracted to these things, but they literally will not eat anything until they smother it in a layer of vomit or crap, or both. What about me is so like the epitome of waste that they would go out of their way and risk being swatted or smashed or enduring a livid diatribe to                   get some?

Guh. So not only are these flies annoying and filthy and hipster and uncouth, but they have succeeded in withering my self-confidence. Herein we see the effects of the first point brought up in the all-knowing paragraph above: flies can harm people. We all know flies can’t physically harm us unless attached to a bomb. But they sure can do some emotional damage if you let them. If something as unawares as a fly senses something putrid about me, I find it difficult to assume that sentient, cognizant human beings won’t be able to pick up on the same. If I stink or otherwise remind you of roadkill, please please let me know. I want to change. I really do.

On a related note, fall is (has been) here! As we traverse the season, colder weather draws ever nearer. In fact, I’ve received reports that tonight will be accompanied by freezing temperatures for the first time all year. Colder weather will bring an end to these flies, and perhaps, a rebirth of my self esteem thereby. The circle of life, everyone.

Let this be a lesson to us all that, no matter how large our trials and challenges may be, we can chip away at them until they become a crumpled sobbing heap on the floor of life. All you have to do is treat them like they’re fecal. Also, tell someone you love them today, and maybe that they don’t smell terrible.